Recently I read an article from the UK about a “divorce fair”  being held in Brighton which brought together service providers for divorcing couples from all backgrounds: attorneys, private investigators, psychics (yes, you read that correctly) and financial planners.  The idea was to give those going through a divorce a place to come to and find individuals and services that could help them through the tough times.  The event organizer stated it was much like a bridal show in which wedding service providers come together to promote their services and felt that given Britain’s high divorce rate, a show like this was necessary.

After I read this I got to thinking about divorce mediation and how as a NJ divorce mediator I already do much of what this divorce fair was trying to accomplish: put couples going through divorce or mediation in touch with other professionals that can help them in their time of need.  The only main difference I found in what the fair offered and what Equitable Mediation Services offers is that the fair was focused on those who were contemplating divorce where as we focus on clients who have already made the decision to divorce.

You see when you use our mediation services, not only are you getting an experienced professional mediator but also an entire network of dedicated professional who can help you in this time of need.  While everyone’s situation is unique, many couples who come to us do fall along the same lines in terms of what they’re experiencing and the type of support they might need. To me it breaks down into two types: during mediation support and post-mediation support.

During mediation support can be a number of different things such as financial counseling for a spouse that hasn’t had much to do with the finances during the marriage and will now need to know what to do in order to manage their household, emotional counseling for those individuals who are either having a hard time accepting the divorce or are angry and need to work through those emotions with the help of a professional and legal counseling such as discussing complex legal matters with attorneys who are mediation friendly and care about your particular situation.

Post-mediation support can include the same items as above as well as things such as parenting coordination to help divorced couples properly follow their parenting plans agreed to during mediation as well as housing assistance with local real estate agents who know your market and understand the special needs of divorced individuals.  Most divorcing couples underestimate their need for support during and after the divorce mediation process but that’s what we’re here for.

Besides helping you settle the issues surrounding your divorce, we view it as our job to make sure you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little impact to you and your family as possible so we take the extra time to make sure you’re OK.  I know that does sound silly but really at the end of the day, we can’t change your circumstances but we can make sure you fare as well as possible moving forward by providing you the support you need in these tough times.  And even after our session are over and the divorce decree has been finalized, we always encourage our clients to stay in touch should they need anything else.

How many lawyers can say that?  Not many that I know of.

If you have any questions about the benefits of mediation or would like to speak to someone about your particular situation, please feel free to contact us to set up a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we’d be happy to explain to you about divorce mediation and how it can work in your particular situation.  Or if you’re simply not ready, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you will lots of great information to help you prepare for what’s ahead and call us when you’re ready.

Depending on where you live, the divorce rate is either way up or way down.  Statistically, here in the Untied States it seems the housing market has caused a number of couples who would have considered divorce  mediation services at this time to reconsider as the value of their home is either not what it used to be or is what is commonly referred to as “underwater’ or “upside down.”  Commonly in a divorce, the house is the largest asset subject to equitable distribution and each member of the couple uses it to either pay off debts or start a new life by purchasing another home post-settlement.  However, when the martial home is not worth what it used to be, problems can occur and couples can be forced to take drastic measures.

Take this article from the Santa Barbara Independent.  If you find yourself in a situation where you can’t afford to get divorced for whatever reason, it may help to know you are not alone.  You’ve may have read other posts on this blog where I talk about mediation techniques and today’s is what we call normalizing. Normalizing is when your mediator helps you deal with a particular situation by letting you know that others just like you are going through the same thing.  Does this change your station in life?  No.  Will it help you avoid your divorce or mediation?  No.  What it will (hopefully) do is help you feel less isolated by letting you know that while it seems like the world is out to get you and you are the only person on the planet that is feeling this exact emotion at this time, the chances are with nearly seven billion people out there, you are not and with any luck, that’s a small comfort.

And as the title of this article suggests, if you are going to divorce, mediation is not only the smarter way to divorce during a recession, it’s the smarter way to divorce period. When economic times are tight, we all concern ourselves with saving money.  But why should that be only when times are tight?  If you knew you could get the exact same results, in less time, with less stress and save $20,000 in the process, wouldn’t you do it?  That’s exactly how divorce mediation compares to traditional attorney driven divorces and one of the many benefits of mediation.  So while the value of your home might not be what it used to be, at least your bank account doesn’t have to suffer the strain of a long, drawn out battle in court.

You owe it to yourself and your children to learn more about divorce mediation and we can help you do that with a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations.  Simply fill out the form on our website and we’ll get back to you with a day and time that works for you and your spouse to come in and learn more.  And if you’re not exactly ready just yet, that’s OK too.  Simply visit the Equitable Mediation Services website to learn more and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce as peacefully, efficiently and with as little impact to you and your family as possible.

Part of my role as a NJ divorce mediator is to stay informed on changes in the law as well as remain up to date the latest news and information regarding divorce and mediation.  Like anyone interested in a particular topic, I subscribe to various publications, newsletters, news feeds and blogs and I must say that some of the information I come across is “interesting” to say the least.   When faced with an emotional time such as divorce, I make it my goal to give clear and honest advice to those couples who sit with me in the offices of Equitable Mediation Services because I know that when people come to see me they need help and are at their most vulnerable.

Take for example an article I read this morning written by an attorney on the differences between traditional divorce, mediation and collaborative divorce.  In this article, the author first stated that:

“The concept with mediation is that by having both spouses sit down with a neutral third-party mediator they can maybe reach an agreement…”

The first thing that I feel is important to point out is the word neutral.  By definition, we as neutral third parties have no stake in what your agreement looks like because to be honest, we do not have to live with it once you leave our offices but you both do.  Yes, it is our job to help you make an informed decision as well as ensure that the agreements are fair and equitable and don’t run afoul of any laws but since we do not represent either of you but advocate for both of you (and your children when applicable) we do our very best to make you both come to an agreement that works for each of you.  After all it is your divorce.

Perhaps I’m lucky but in all my years of experience I’ve not had one single couple come to me and leave my offices because they were unable to reach an agreement.  Do some couples take longer than others to come to agreements?  Absolutely but that it’s simply a matter of the complexity of the issues before them, their ability to communicate and their willingness to compromise.  It has been my experience that most mediators help the couples look for solutions while most attorneys look to prolong the fight and when couples see that they can actually work together and communicate somewhat effectively, it leads to better and more expeditious results in mediation and less cost to you while achieving the exact same result.

The article then goes on to say (and here’s my favorite part):

Remember the mediator is trying to force an agreement so he or she may push things in one direction or another.

Force an agreement?  Push things in one direction or another? Does this person even know about divorce mediation? (remember this was written by an attorney so the answer is most likely no)  Mediators do not force, push, cajole or any other adjective you can think of.  We are there to assist both of you to come to your own agreements as I stated above.

There is a concept in mediation called “self-determination” which Wikipedia defines as:

the free choice of one’s own acts without external compulsion.

As mediators we feel that given the proper information and a safe space to negotiate within, couples will come to solutions that work for them and don’t need any outside influence to make that happen.  After all who knows best what’s good for you?  An attorney?  A judge? The courts?  No, you both do.  We as divorce mediators are constantly working to make sure this happens and to remain neutral and not impose our will upon the parties because then it wouldn’t be mediation it would be judging, arbitrating or practicing law and that’s not why you come to mediation in the first place.  You come because you want to avoid the ugliness of all of that and work together to reach an agreement.  It’s unfortunate that some people don’t understand that.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to set up a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New jersey office locations where will be happy to learn more about your particular situation and explain how mediation can work for you.  Or if you’re not ready, please feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of helpful information and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to giving you the truth about how mediation can help you.