Mediation Techniques Work During and After Divorce

I read an interesting article today regarding a woman in California who uses mediation techniques in her own household to minimize arguments among she and her two children, aged 8 and 13 and thought to myself if only divorcing couples could see this and use the same techniques when discussing their children, post-breakup.

During mediation sessions with Equitable Mediation Services there are techniques we use to ensure couples communicate effectively and work towards agreements rather than arguments. These same techniques we use can be applied to couples either working through their differences or even for those who have already divorced and now are faced with the task of communicating with each other about their NJ child support, spousal support / alimony or a host of other related topics that can crop up post-divorce.

Many couples are surprised to find that if they have children together at the outset of their marriage and then get divorce a few years later, they will spend more time talking to each other after they have divorced than when they were married.  So in the cases where there are very young children involved, some couples who may have only been married five years and have a three year old child, can be communicating regularly until that child gets through college which might be 18 year later!

When couples get to the point where they are about to get divorced and start looking for a mediation service, usually a breakdown in communication does occur.  People don’t get divorced because they are getting along famously but rather because they are having difficulty communicating and have reached a point in their collective lives that they no longer feel close, are on the same page or whatever other euphemism you would like to use.

Part of that distance comes from a feeling as if you’re not “being heard.”  As human beings we have a tendency to care and want others to emote or show feelings for us as well.  Even the most rational beings among us have to admit that a little emotion, attention or sympathy can feel good every once in a while.  We want to know that when we share something, especially if it’s something difficult or emotional, the other party is listening, understanding and cares to actually do something about it if we so ask.

So what does this have to do with mediation or post-mediation situations you ask?  During divorce mediation sessions, I often hear one party say to the other “this is the same thing I’ve been telling you for years!”  You can fill in whatever argument you choose: saving money, raising the kids, coming home early from work, etc, they all result in the same basic argument: you weren’t listening to me and now you are surprised that we’re getting a divorce.  One of the things I tell my clients is to have a few “rules of engagement” when discussing issues related to your mediation or when you have to interact post-divorce.

1. Do it in a public place – I guess human nature is such that we don’t like to be embarrassed or make a fool of ourselves in front of other people so use that to your collective advantage.  There are plenty of coffee shops out there so pick one, get a cup and talk through the issues calmly, politely and without argument.  Easier said than done you ask?
2. Try a tennis ball -  a what?  Yes, a tennis ball.  The rule is simple: who ever has the ball gets to speak.  Use an egg timer to make sure one person does not monopolize the ball and not pass it along to the other person.  it keeps you focused on what they are saying and prevents you from talking over each other.  Egg timers come in 1, 3 and 5 minute increments so decide which timer you’d like to use and go from there.
3. Let the other party know you “heard them” - part of the intense emotions you’re both feeling is that neither of you thinks the other understands what you’re going through or is feeling what you’re feeling.  Guess what?  They are.  They are in the same boat as you are but may choose to show it in another way.  one person may cry, one may internalize but it’s important to recognize we all deal with things in different ways so it’s unfair to impose your value system on another and expect them to act the same way you do.  I know this is pop psychology 101 but hey, it’s true for a reason.  Tell the other person when they say something that you understand them and you know what they are going through.  A simple way to know if you’re listening is to pretend that when the other person stops talking, you have to be able to repeat exactly what they said word for word.  This trick will force you to listen more actively and hopefully be able to take what the other person is saying, repeat back the pertinent parts and answer their question or concern directly.  They will feel heard, you will have provided some answer (even if it’s something they don’t like) and the conversation will flow.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and set up a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you have about mediation or Equitable Mediation Services and help you both to get through your divorce as peaceful and painlessly as possible.