Divorce Mediation and Resolving Power Imbalances

Most people who come to us at Equitable Mediation Services are there for one thing: divorce mediation services.  And while that may be the primary reason for their visit, often times during mediation, ancillary topics arise that while not specific to the couple’s divorce, can impact what not only the Memorandum of Understanding will look like, but what the parties future success as a “singleton” may be.  Let me explain.

In most of the couples I see, over the course of their marriage, roles have developed with each of the parties taking on a certain set of tasks that they consider “their responsibility.”  These can be things such as lawn maintenance, household chores and the finances.  When couples contemplate divorce, what they often fail to realize is that the tasks their partner took care of, will now fall squarely on you and in turn, a power imbalance in a particular subject area has developed over time. Through no fault of anyone’s, it is simply a matter of fact that in some cases, one individual has spent the better part of the past 20 years performing a specific task and thus, has all of the knowledge about that subject.  Incidentally, this is not meant to perpetuate any stereotypes because I can tell you that I have had wives who do the household chores and cut the grass and the men who do most of the cooking so in a stereotypical “old-fashioned” idea of what marriages and couple’s roles in them look like, each party may be lost without the others help post-divorce mediation regardless of the tasks they performed.

As a New Jersey divorce mediator it is not only my job to help the couple navigate through the four main areas of divorce mediation: Parenting Plans, Equitable Distribution, the NJ Child Support Guidelines and Spousal Support / Alimony but also to ensure that both individuals (and their children when applicable) come out of the other side of the process in a position to succeed.  Will I be there to hold their hands once they leave my office for the last time?  No.  But what I can do and try to do in each and every session is constantly evaluate both the individuals and how they interact as a couple and offer the guidance on how best to resolve the situation at that moment in time as well as give them access to the network of professionals and helpful resources that I bring with me as part of my divorce mediation services.

For example, most couples think counseling is for people trying to salvage their marriage and since they are now in the process of getting divorce, there is no point in going to a counselor.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  If couples have come to see me, chances are their communication skills have broken down over time and so they will need to “re-learn” how to speak to each other again because unless you do not have children (and most people who come to see me do) you will be interacting on a regular basis for the sake of your kids.  In shorter marriages, the chances are good that you will be speaking with your ex-spouse for more years after you are divorced than you were actually married!  You need to learn skills on how best to handle this and we can help.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations.  of if you’re simply not ready, please visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you will find lots of helpful information to assist you in making an informed decision.