Clearing Up Misinformation on Mediation

Part of my role as a NJ divorce mediator is to stay informed on changes in the law as well as remain up to date the latest news and information regarding divorce and mediation.  Like anyone interested in a particular topic, I subscribe to various publications, newsletters, news feeds and blogs and I must say that some of the information I come across is “interesting” to say the least.   When faced with an emotional time such as divorce, I make it my goal to give clear and honest advice to those couples who sit with me in the offices of Equitable Mediation Services because I know that when people come to see me they need help and are at their most vulnerable.

Take for example an article I read this morning written by an attorney on the differences between traditional divorce, mediation and collaborative divorce.  In this article, the author first stated that:

“The concept with mediation is that by having both spouses sit down with a neutral third-party mediator they can maybe reach an agreement…”

The first thing that I feel is important to point out is the word neutral.  By definition, we as neutral third parties have no stake in what your agreement looks like because to be honest, we do not have to live with it once you leave our offices but you both do.  Yes, it is our job to help you make an informed decision as well as ensure that the agreements are fair and equitable and don’t run afoul of any laws but since we do not represent either of you but advocate for both of you (and your children when applicable) we do our very best to make you both come to an agreement that works for each of you.  After all it is your divorce.

Perhaps I’m lucky but in all my years of experience I’ve not had one single couple come to me and leave my offices because they were unable to reach an agreement.  Do some couples take longer than others to come to agreements?  Absolutely but that it’s simply a matter of the complexity of the issues before them, their ability to communicate and their willingness to compromise.  It has been my experience that most mediators help the couples look for solutions while most attorneys look to prolong the fight and when couples see that they can actually work together and communicate somewhat effectively, it leads to better and more expeditious results in mediation and less cost to you while achieving the exact same result.

The article then goes on to say (and here’s my favorite part):

Remember the mediator is trying to force an agreement so he or she may push things in one direction or another.

Force an agreement?  Push things in one direction or another? Does this person even know about divorce mediation? (remember this was written by an attorney so the answer is most likely no)  Mediators do not force, push, cajole or any other adjective you can think of.  We are there to assist both of you to come to your own agreements as I stated above.

There is a concept in mediation called “self-determination” which Wikipedia defines as:

the free choice of one’s own acts without external compulsion.

As mediators we feel that given the proper information and a safe space to negotiate within, couples will come to solutions that work for them and don’t need any outside influence to make that happen.  After all who knows best what’s good for you?  An attorney?  A judge? The courts?  No, you both do.  We as divorce mediators are constantly working to make sure this happens and to remain neutral and not impose our will upon the parties because then it wouldn’t be mediation it would be judging, arbitrating or practicing law and that’s not why you come to mediation in the first place.  You come because you want to avoid the ugliness of all of that and work together to reach an agreement.  It’s unfortunate that some people don’t understand that.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to set up a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New jersey office locations where will be happy to learn more about your particular situation and explain how mediation can work for you.  Or if you’re not ready, please feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of helpful information and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to giving you the truth about how mediation can help you.