As you’re probably familiar with by now, we at Equitable Mediation Services cover four main areas during our divorce mediation sessions and one of those areas is that of the Parenting Plan.  And while in all my years doing this I’ve never had a person say to me “I want to be a bad parent” that doesn’t mean there aren’t some bad parenting arrangements.  Sometimes there is such a thing as too much flexibility, too much accommodation and just too much parenting!  Take for example this recent article on co-parenting after divorce.   In it the author gives his six tips for making parenting after a divorce work which any of you either going through a divorce or currently in divorce mediation can attest to, makes a lot of sense.  Over the next three posts I’m going to take some time to explore deeper the options and consequences of some of the elements of a parenting plan gone potentially awry and let you decide how best to proceed.  Remember – it has to work for both of you and your children so think carefully about the decisions you make regarding legal and physical custody of your children.

The one thing I tell all my clients that come see me is that whether they like it or not, now that they are parents, their needs must come second to those of their children.  being a parent is hard work, there is no doubt about that but it will be even harder work once you are on your own.  That’s why a smartly designed parenting plan will be a key to your success as both a single parent and an “ex-couple.”

One of the questions I get asked all the time is “can I move out of state?”  While there is nothing stopping you per say from doing so, my question becomes: what will happen to the children?  In this economy I can see the need to perhaps relocate for a job but if you are both gainfully employed, secure in your place of employment (I know, a hard thing to say now-a-days) and have no real need to move, why would you make it that much harder on your parenting plan?  Being close (but not too close) is one of the keys to making things work.   And yes, I have had people ask me if they should buy a two-family house and live there separately so it won’t impact their kids.  In my humble opinion – VERY bad idea but proceed at your own risk.  What happens when one of you starts dating?  Gets remarried?  Comes home late?  It would be like Big Brother without the need to stalk someone.  My general rule of thumb is a 20 mile radius from each other is a good idea.  Close enough to get somewhere in a reasonable amount of time, say 45 minutes, but far enough away that you won’t be shopping at the same supermarket.

The next issues I caution parents to discuss is that of NJ Child Support as well as Spousal Support / Alimony.  Often times during divorce mediation, the issue of financial matters comes front and center as one party feels they are getting the financial “short end of the stick.”  As a New Jersey divorce mediator, it is my job to assist the parties in coming to an agreement that while may lower their individual standard of living, spare the children for the most part, the financial pains of divorce.  When one parent is far better off that the other, this does not benefit either the children or the parenting plan.  At Equitable Mediation Services, we actively engage the parties in a budgeting exercise in order to determine real amounts of support required in order to make the parenting plan work and help the parties calculate both the State guideline amounts as well as an amount that really works for them.  Yes, there are calculated NJ Child Support guidelines but let’s be honest: who knows better what it costs to properly raise your children?  You or the State of NJ?  Isn’t that why you are using a mediation service to begin with so that you could have control of what outcomes resulted from your divorce instead of being told by the courts or the State?

Another reason I strongly caution the parties to consider economy equity is to avoid the what I call “I want a pony” syndrome.  This is when one parent fares far better after the divorce than the other and the children enjoy spending time at the financially better-off parent’s house than the other parents house.  In one home they have an X-box, cell phone, laptop and yes, a pony and in the other they have a mattress on the floor and use the oven to stay warm.  Extreme example I know but sadly, it does happen.  make your children love you for the emotional support you give them, not for what you can buy them.

In Wednesday’s post we’ll go through a few more of the specifics I feel make for a good parenting plan.  But if in the meantime you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

When couples come to Equitable Mediation Services to work through the issues surrounding their divorce, they are beginning the process of separating their co-mingled lives into separate entities and part of that is untangling the often complex financial matters that are a part of a marriage.  Over the course of the years you’ve probably opened bank accounts, gotten mortgages, lines of credits, auto loans and the like in both of your names with the full expectation that you would be jointly responsible for their repayment.  So what happens now that you are in divorce mediation and you no longer will be “joint” but are on your way to being “single?”  In this interesting article the author talks about how unchecked credit issues may outlast your marriage and steps you should take to resolve them prior to your divorce.  We’ve all heard the horror stories of identity theft and our credit reports being damaged but would you ever think that your soon to be ex-spouse would be the reason?

When you think about it, your spouse is probably the one person who knows everything one needs to know about a person to open an account in your name.  Social Security number, birth date, mother’s maiden name, etc.  and sometimes, the anger of divorce often gets the better of someone and they fraudulently do so in the name of revenge.  However, even more common is when accounts you held jointly and thought were closed, are still open and your ex-spouse continues to use them after your divorce.  The bad news is you are still jointly responsible for those accounts even if you had nothing to do with it.

One of the benefits of mediation is that we take the time to go through such issues and have each of you obtain a copy of your credit report for review.  I have never had a time where there wasn’t at least one “surprise” on someone’s credit report of either an account they couldn’t account for or something they thought was closed and now suddenly they find it open and active.   Once we receive copies of each of your credit reports, we do a swap and give each of you a copy of the other person’s credit report for your own review.   If there aren’t any issues, neither of you have anything to worry about but if something does pop up, this is the time to resolve it before you are divorced and won’t have access to these records anymore.  Our philosophy is it’s better to resolve as much as you can now than to have it pop up later and have to go to court and hire an attorney which will cost you substantial sums of money.  After all, another one of the benefits of mediation is that it can save you up to $20,000 on your divorce so why waste away those savings on a trivial matter that could be resolved now?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

I read an interesting article today regarding a woman in California who uses mediation techniques in her own household to minimize arguments among she and her two children, aged 8 and 13 and thought to myself if only divorcing couples could see this and use the same techniques when discussing their children, post-breakup.

During mediation sessions with Equitable Mediation Services there are techniques we use to ensure couples communicate effectively and work towards agreements rather than arguments. These same techniques we use can be applied to couples either working through their differences or even for those who have already divorced and now are faced with the task of communicating with each other about their NJ child support, spousal support / alimony or a host of other related topics that can crop up post-divorce.

Many couples are surprised to find that if they have children together at the outset of their marriage and then get divorce a few years later, they will spend more time talking to each other after they have divorced than when they were married.  So in the cases where there are very young children involved, some couples who may have only been married five years and have a three year old child, can be communicating regularly until that child gets through college which might be 18 year later!

When couples get to the point where they are about to get divorced and start looking for a mediation service, usually a breakdown in communication does occur.  People don’t get divorced because they are getting along famously but rather because they are having difficulty communicating and have reached a point in their collective lives that they no longer feel close, are on the same page or whatever other euphemism you would like to use.

Part of that distance comes from a feeling as if you’re not “being heard.”  As human beings we have a tendency to care and want others to emote or show feelings for us as well.  Even the most rational beings among us have to admit that a little emotion, attention or sympathy can feel good every once in a while.  We want to know that when we share something, especially if it’s something difficult or emotional, the other party is listening, understanding and cares to actually do something about it if we so ask.

So what does this have to do with mediation or post-mediation situations you ask?  During divorce mediation sessions, I often hear one party say to the other “this is the same thing I’ve been telling you for years!”  You can fill in whatever argument you choose: saving money, raising the kids, coming home early from work, etc, they all result in the same basic argument: you weren’t listening to me and now you are surprised that we’re getting a divorce.  One of the things I tell my clients is to have a few “rules of engagement” when discussing issues related to your mediation or when you have to interact post-divorce.

1. Do it in a public place – I guess human nature is such that we don’t like to be embarrassed or make a fool of ourselves in front of other people so use that to your collective advantage.  There are plenty of coffee shops out there so pick one, get a cup and talk through the issues calmly, politely and without argument.  Easier said than done you ask?
2. Try a tennis ball -  a what?  Yes, a tennis ball.  The rule is simple: who ever has the ball gets to speak.  Use an egg timer to make sure one person does not monopolize the ball and not pass it along to the other person.  it keeps you focused on what they are saying and prevents you from talking over each other.  Egg timers come in 1, 3 and 5 minute increments so decide which timer you’d like to use and go from there.
3. Let the other party know you “heard them” - part of the intense emotions you’re both feeling is that neither of you thinks the other understands what you’re going through or is feeling what you’re feeling.  Guess what?  They are.  They are in the same boat as you are but may choose to show it in another way.  one person may cry, one may internalize but it’s important to recognize we all deal with things in different ways so it’s unfair to impose your value system on another and expect them to act the same way you do.  I know this is pop psychology 101 but hey, it’s true for a reason.  Tell the other person when they say something that you understand them and you know what they are going through.  A simple way to know if you’re listening is to pretend that when the other person stops talking, you have to be able to repeat exactly what they said word for word.  This trick will force you to listen more actively and hopefully be able to take what the other person is saying, repeat back the pertinent parts and answer their question or concern directly.  They will feel heard, you will have provided some answer (even if it’s something they don’t like) and the conversation will flow.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and set up a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you have about mediation or Equitable Mediation Services and help you both to get through your divorce as peaceful and painlessly as possible.