Choosing a Divorce Mediator – Part I

Divorce can be a confusing and emotional time with what seems like too many decisions to make and too many things to learn.  In my next few posts I’d like to talk about what I think you should look for in a mediator as choosing the right mediation service in my opinion can make all the difference.  There are many mediators out there but how do you know which one is right for you?

We at Equitable Mediation Services feel there are four things that make a great divorce mediator:

1. Subject Matter Expertise
2. Experience
3. Professional Affiliations
4. Personality

Over the next four posts, I’d like to take the time to explain in additional detail why I think each of these areas makes for a great mediator and offer some suggestions for interviewing the mediators you talk to.  Recent changes in people’s attitudes towards divorce has made mediation the preferred choice for couples who have made the decision to divorce but like anything that’s popular, the profession has become crowded with individuals who claim to be able to divorce you in a day, perform your divorce for $299 or solve all of your issues without you even needing to be there.  If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

1. Subject Matter Expertise

Divorce mediation is a complex subject.  Mediators need to have knowledge in a variety of subject areas including, but not limited to:

1. Family Law
2. Finance
3. Psychology
4. Negotiation
5. Taxation

It takes a unique person to be able to keep on top of these issues and ensure that they posses the knowledge in each of these areas to conduct a successful divorce mediation session and so it’s not enough to rest on their college education.  Now I’m not saying a divorce mediator has to be a family law practitioner, financial professional, psychologist, master negotiator and CPA as each of those subject areas are complete careers unto themselves.  However, divorce mediation does touch on all of these areas, and more, and so having knowledge in each of these areas can be a great advantage for a divorce mediator.

Ask each mediator you speak with what specific subject matter expertise they possess in each of these areas and see what they say.  Was the last time they took a class on family law 10 years ago?  If so, the law has changed.  Ask what do they do to stay abreast of recent changes in tax policy?  We all know as taxpayers ourselves, the laws change constantly and while a mediator shouldn’t be expected to stay on top of all changes in tax law, they can at least be aware of the ones that will affect a divorcing couple and advise them to speak to an accountant or tax professional.  By staying on top of the latest developments in areas that affect divorce, you can be confident your mediator has the knowledge to guide you through your divorce effectively and that he or she is in possession of the latest knowledge to ensure there are no issues with your divorce decree years down the road.

In Friday’s post I’ll talk about our second area that makes a great divorce mediator: experience so please return to read more at that time.  However, if in the meantime you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and set up a free, no-obligation appointment at one of our six central NJ office locations.  We will answer any questions you might have about divorce, mediation and how we may assist you at this most difficult time because we know that once you learn more about divorce mediation you’ll agree it truly is the smarter way to divorce.

Changing the Language of Divorce through Mediation

For those of you who have been reading the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve most likely seen an article or two on the importance of remembering your parental role during divorce and/or mediation proceedings.  Sure it’s tough to remember that you are the adults and that your children are counting on you to behave that way but it’s something we remind mediation participants of every step of the way.  Divorce is an adult conversation yet the smallest players don’t even have a seat at the table and are least able to represent themselves and their needs when it matters most.  The good news is there may be a glimmer of hope in all of this as it seems other parts of the country are trying to follow what we’ve been preaching along: children must come first during divorce cases.

From an article in last week’s Grand Rapids Press, it seems that the Kent County courts are trying a new approach to divorces involving children.  The courts will be making some language and procedural changes to ensure that children come first during divorce proceedings and that the adversarial nature of divorce is reduced.  For example, instead of using words like plaintiff and defendant, the terms mother and father have been swapped in to the proceedings.  And prior to entering the courtroom, the parties have to write out a proposed parenting plan to explain how they will share the care of the children post-divorce.  These changes, among others, are all designed to take the focus away from the conflict and put it squarely back where it belongs: on the children.

And while yes, some of these changes may be symbolic and there are some that do not believe that it will help all that much, I would tend to disagree.  As a NJ divorce mediator I see it all the time in my practice where bringing it back to the children can reduce stress and conflict and get the focus back where it belongs.  Taking care of the children post-mediation is about more than just how much money the NJ Child Support Guidelines tell a parent they have to pay.  It’s about your role as a parent moving forward and making smart choices to ensure that your children will know you are going to be there, even after life as they know it changes.  It’s about your chance to define your role as a parent, not just as an ex-spouse.  It’s about making sure they have a seat at the table even when they are not there and can’t speak up for themselves and express, their needs, wants and fears.

Which brings me to my point.  During divorce mediation sessions, we already do all of these things and more that the courts in Kent County are trying to do.  We work with parents to ensure that a proper parenting plan is in place and that each parent is comfortable with their role both emotionally and financially.  We work through some of the tough issues that lead to post-divorce conflict to make sure your mediation sessions end up generating an agreement you can both live with moving forward as well as try to teach you some skills that you can use as you work together to raise your children.  You’ve heard me talk about the many benefits of mediation and improving the chances your children will grow up to lead well-adjusted lives is just one of them.

If you would like to learn more about divorce mediation and how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and arrange for a free, no-obligation consultation in either one of our six central NJ office locations or the privacy of the marital home.  You owe it to yourself and your children to learn more about divorce mediation because once you do, we hope you’ll agree it truly is the smarter way to divorce.

« Previous Page