Choosing a Divorce Mediator – Part IV

As you’ve probably experienced by now, choosing a mediation service to handle your divorce is a difficult task.  Going through a divorce is a difficult and emotional time so you’re probably not thinking about what makes a great mediator.  In today’s post, we will discuss what we at Equitable Mediation Services feel is the fourth area that makes for a great NJ divorce mediator: personality.

For most people, divorce is a very sensitive subject and not one they are likely to feel comfortable discussing with just anyone.  Feelings of guilt, shame and sadness among others all permeate their thoughts and make discussing such a difficult topic as divorce challenging.  As with any relationship one might have with a friend, co-worker, doctor, etc. there is a certain level of trust that goes into how much information you share and that level of trust in my opinion is based on that individual’s personality.

What you may look for in a divorce mediator may be different than what you look for in a friend or co-worker but one thing remains constant – you need to feel comfortable sharing information.  When it comes to divorce mediation, the information you share with a mediator is of such a personal nature that feeling comfortable around them is a real key to success.  I know you’re probably thinking that perhaps your ability to judge someone’s level of trustworthiness or personality is what brought you towards divorce in the first place but now is not the time for self-doubt.   There are a few things I can suggest you look for to see if a mediator’s personality and style is a match for your particular situation.

1. Helpfulness - there is a major difference in my opinion between lawyers and mediators and that is the altruistic nature of their personalities.  Yes, I am certain there are nice lawyers out there who get into the profession because they truly want to help people settle their differences but I can tell you from experience that most mediators I’ve met do want to help you settle your differences.  It is the helpful, self-less nature of mediators as a rule that I think make them better suited to handle situations such as divorce.  Are all mediators the same? No, of course not but look for a mediator that is willing to help you and take the time to learn about your particular situation. Having a better understanding of who you are and why your situation is unique will go a long way toward whether or not you have a successful mediation.
2. Style – when you meet a mediator for the first time ask them about their style.  Are they rigid or flexible?  Are they open to changes in the process or do they insist on using their process?  Are they facilitative (meaning they let you do most of the talking and come to your own agreements) or are they directive (they control the conversation and impart their own decision making upon you).   What you expect and need from your divorce mediation service will dictate what you look for in a mediator.
3. Background – because divorce mediators in New Jersey can come from a variety of backgrounds, you can tell a lot about a mediator based on what profession or line of work they came to mediation from.  Were they a social worker?  An attorney?  A financial professional?  Some other profession?  Their background and training will play a large role in how their personality as a mediator has developed over the years and will certainly impart a unique flavor on your mediation.

You should be congratulated for considering mediation as a way to handle your divorce as we feel mediation is the preferred alternative for those who made the decision to divorce.  Take your time to select a mediator that suits your needs and you feel comfortable with to handle your divorce.  Consider their training, background, personality, helpfulness, professional affiliations and experience to help you make an informed decision.  Talk to them, meet with them and proceed with care as we feel choosing the right mediator for your particular situation can make all the difference.

And while you consider your next step along your journey, should you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to set up a free, no-obligation consultation at one of our six central NJ office locations where we will answer any questions you might have about divorce, mediation and how we may assist you at this most difficult time.  We look forward to helping get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Choosing a Divorce Mediator – Part III

In our last two posts to the Equitable Mediation Services NJ divorce mediation blog, we’ve been talking about what makes a great mediator.  And while I’m sure everyone has their opinions, I have boiled it down to four factors for the purposes of this article:

1. Subject Matter Expertise
2. Experience
3. Professional Affiliations
4. Personality

Divorce mediators come in all shapes and sizes from attorneys to social workers to financial professionals and all points in between.  So how do you know the mediator you choose to work with is a great one?  Not to mention complicating matters is the fact that mediators can’t give client references as divorce and mediation is a confidential matter so it’s not like you can call up former clients and ask how they liked their mediator.  I don’t think the ethics board would like that very much…

One of the way I tell my clients to check my references is to speak to my peers in the New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators.  The NJAPM is a statewide professional organization of mediators that strives to bring mediation services to the forefront of any dispute by fostering public awareness of mediation as the preferred method of dispute resolution as well as act as a training, education and collegial resource for NJ mediators.  Let’s take a look at all three of thees areas as I believe they are worth examining when discussing what makes a great mediator.

The first is training.  When it comes to divorce mediation, yes, anyone can claim they are a mediator.  But how do you know they know what they’re doing?  The NJAPM offers an extensive training course for mediators who wish to engage in divorce mediation and taking it is only the tip of the iceberg.  Yes the course gives you a great overview of divorce mediation but it is the ongoing training opportunities which also help great mediators stay sharp and hone their mediation skills. Next time you meet with a mediator, ask to see their training completion certificates.

Next is education.  For all of us who went to school, be it grade school, high school, college, technical school, etc.  it seems that most of us have never set foot in a school since we got that elusive degree or diploma.  As a NJ divorce mediator, not only do I need to be educated in the ways of mediation, but also in terms of divorce case law, taxation, etc.  This doesn’t just happen without effort.  Taking classes in these areas as well as others such as mental health, is part of being a great divorce mediator.  Continually staying on top of both current skills as well as subjects is a requirement of the job and one I don’t take lightly.

Lastly, the collegial network of professionals available to us as members of the NJAPM is critical.  While I am a divorce mediator in New Jersey and mediation services are what I provide, that doesn’t mean that during our sessions, we won’t need the help of mental health counselors, accountants, financial professionals and others to assist us with the proceedings.  By belonging to the NJAPM, I have available to me a vast state-wide network of professionals who can help us resolve your divorce peacefully and with as little impact to you and your family.  These are emotional times and having such resources available to you when you need them the most is critical.  That is why I value my association with the NJAPM and play an active role in it’s mission, activities, boards and committees.

In Wednesday’s final post on this topic I’ll talk about the last area that makes a great divorce mediator: personality so please return to read the conclusion of this four part series at that time.  However, if in the meantime you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to set up a free, no-obligation consultation at one of our six central NJ office locations where we will answer any questions you might have about divorce, mediation and how we may assist you at this most difficult time.  We look forward to hearing from you.

Choosing a Divorce Mediator – Part II

As mentioned in Wednesday’s post, we at Equitable Mediation Services feel there are four things that make a great divorce mediator:

1. Subject Matter Expertise
2. Experience
3. Professional Affiliations
4. Personality

In today’s post I’d like to address the concept of experience and how we feel it relates to divorce mediation sessions with Equitable Mediation Services.

First some background on mediation in the State of NJ.  While the concept of mediation has been around for thousands of years dating back to ancient Rome, using mediation to settle divorce cases is relatively new.  In 2004, the State of NJ passed the NJ Uniform Mediation Act which outlined the rules surrounding divorce mediation in New Jersey.  This landmark legislation paved the way for what we know today to be the smarter way to divorce for couples in NJ but that doesn’t mean people weren’t practicing mediation long before that.

You see, I’ve been doing mediation long before it ever became a formalized concept for divorcing couples.  For the past 18+ years, I’ve been mediating disputes of all kinds ranging from ones involving large, multi-national corporations to small business owners to individuals just like you.  I’ve been involved in mediations involving multiple parties and teams of attorneys right on down to just three people in a room trying to work through their differences so they can divorce.

Not only have I handled cases involving divorce, I’ve also worked on mediations involving financial matters, real estate matters, personal property, intellectual property and copyright.  I’ve worked with a broad spectrum of people from all over the world and have come to learn and appreciate each and every one of their unique wants, needs and communication styles.  I’ve spent thousands of hours in situations such as these and treat each and every mediation as unique because the fact of the matter is: each one is unique.

The thing about being a NJ divorce mediator is that there are a lot of people who can claim they are a mediator.  Get yourself a business card and you’re all set.  But do you really know what you’re getting into?  In this emotional time such as your divorce, don’t you want someone with the knowledge and experience to make sure your divorce goes as peacefully and efficiently as possible?  Someone who can take their broad spectrum of knowledge and apply it to your unique situation?  That’s what we feel makes Equitable mediation Services the preferred choice for divorcing couples.

In Monday’s post I’ll talk about the third area that makes a great divorce mediator: professional affiliations so please return to read more at that time.  However, if in the meantime you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and set up a free, no-obligation appointment at one of our six central NJ office locations.  We will answer any questions you might have about divorce, mediation and how we may assist you at this most difficult time because we know that once you learn more about divorce mediation you’ll agree it truly is the smarter way to divorce.

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