Divorce Mediation Can Help Level the Playing Field

Often times we at Equitable Mediation Services get calls asking why people should use a NJ divorce mediator to settle their divorce.  Typically the conversation goes like this:

Caller: “Hello I’m calling to find out more about mediation. I’ve read a little bit about it but I’m not really sure it’s right for me.”

Equitable Mediation: “Well, let me ask you a few questions if you don’t mind… (interruption)”

Caller: “I’m just worried that my wife/husband is going to take advantage of the situation and I’m going to wind up (select one or more of the following issues): paying too much in spousal support / alimony, never see my children again, wind up paying too much in Child Support, etc, etc.

Then by this point in the call, the individual has pretty much sent themselves into a frenzy and so we go from there.  The point is: divorce is a stressful and emotional time and with that comes the fear of the unknown.  For most of the people who contact us, this is the first time they are getting a divorce and searching for a mediation service so their understanding about divorce mediation is rather limited which is completely understandable.  That’s where Equitable Mediation Services comes in.  As the title of this post suggests, part of a mediator’s role is to keep a watchful eye on each participant and look for differences in subject knowledge.  Remember: I represent neither of you but advocate for both of you and your children when applicable so it’s not my job to “stick up for one of you” but rather level the playing field so that you can both play fairly and come to a mutually agreeable settlement.

A common example we see is when one spouse was responsible for the household finances while the other went happily along without any or limited knowledge.  When we come to the part where we discuss equitable distribution, we see one speaking expertly on the subject and one unable to answer some of the most basic questions such as “how many bank accounts to you have” or “do you know the approximate balance in your checking account?”  This is where divorce mediation comes in.  As a NJ divorce mediator, I view it as part of my role to educate / alert each of the parties in areas I feel they are lacking knowledge.  And if it’s something that is beyond the scope of mediation and simple education, to direct them to subject matter experts that can further assist them such as accountants, real estate professionals, therapists, etc.

You’re probably asking yourself “then why don’t I just get an attorney who will be my advocate and let them fight it out?”  I would answer your question this way: is your lack of subject knowledge on a particular topic a reason to start a fight or something you’d rather learn more about so you’ll be able to take care of yourself after your divorce?  After all, once the two of you are separated permanently, you will have to learn how to manage your household finances, take care of your children, etc. so now is as good a time as any in order to start the process.  I also find it can empower those who come to mediation as taking charge of something as simple as opening your own bank account, can take the mind of an individual from “I’m stuck in the middle of this divorce” to “I’m starting on the path towards my new life.”  A subtle difference, I agree, but an important one none the less.

If you have any questions about the benefits of mediation or how mediation can help you, please feel free to contact us and schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations.  We’d welcome the opportunity to learn more about your situation and explain in more detail how mediation works and how it can work for you.  Or if you’re just not ready yet, please feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, the NJ Child Support Guidelines and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you resolve your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little impact to you and your family as possible.