For those of you who have been reading the Equitable Mediation Services blog for some time, you know that part of my job as a NJ divorce mediator is to ensure that both parties are being heard and we come to a fair and balanced settlement in the form of a Memorandum of Understanding, or MOU.  After all, that’s what divorce mediation is really about: working together to resolve the issues surrounding your divorce in a peaceful, efficient and financially sensible manner.

But what happens when “being heard” turns into what one party may perceive as being attacked?  There is a reason couples come to see me and it’s not because they are interested in reconciling and getting back together so emotions can run high, feelings can get hurt and tempers can flare.  These emotions are all natural reactions to the stress surrounding divorcing couples and ones we try to manage in our mediation sessions.  A little bit of venting is healthy, a lot of it is not.

Often times in the case of divorcing couples, there is one party that is further along in the process than the other.  That is, one party wants the divorce more than the other or in some cases, one party wants to divorce and one party does not want to divorce at all  The hurt that resides with the party that is “being divorced” can often overshadow the conversation during mediation sessions and can come out in the form of anger, frustration and sometimes, tears.  And while we do want people to feel heard and have the opportunity to vent a little, we work very hard to keep the conversation on track and ensure we’re working towards an agreement and not just engaging in a therapy session as that’s not what mediation is all about.

Take for example the what I like to call “question with no answer.”  You’ve probably seen this in your day to day interactions with your spouse.  It starts off with them asking you for something as simple as “where did you put the copy of Time magazine?” and spirals into “if you weren’ such a bad spouse, you would always do the dishes!”  Really – what does Time magazine have to do with doing the dishes?  I’ll never know and you probably won’t either.  Mediation works to get at these root causes of frustration so that they can be resolved and we can continue to work together in a productive manner.  It’s not really about the magazine, is it?  It’s about feeling unappreciated and perhaps that’s leading to one of the parties asking for a divorce.  Sometimes one of you just wants the other to hear something to that effect “for once in your life” (we hear this phrase a lot) and mediation can be an opportunity to do that.

At the end of the day, as sad as this is, it takes two people to get married but only one to get divorced in the State of New Jersey so as much as one party may try to plead and bargain their way into reconciling with the spouse, if one of you has their mind made up, then both of you are going down the path of divorce.   So knowing that, the best we can do is allow for some constructive venting, get to the root causes of that venting and work to resolve the issues of your divorce.  By doing so, we hope to help you both move on to a place where you can begin to heal.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and arrange for a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations or if you like, in your martial home.  We’ll get to know a little bit more about your particular situation and help you understand a bit more about how mediation works, how it’s different than hiring an attorney and why we think that once you learn more, you agree it’s the smarter way to divorce.

Often times we at Equitable Mediation Services get calls asking why people should use a NJ divorce mediator to settle their divorce.  Typically the conversation goes like this:

Caller: “Hello I’m calling to find out more about mediation. I’ve read a little bit about it but I’m not really sure it’s right for me.”

Equitable Mediation: “Well, let me ask you a few questions if you don’t mind… (interruption)”

Caller: “I’m just worried that my wife/husband is going to take advantage of the situation and I’m going to wind up (select one or more of the following issues): paying too much in spousal support / alimony, never see my children again, wind up paying too much in Child Support, etc, etc.

Then by this point in the call, the individual has pretty much sent themselves into a frenzy and so we go from there.  The point is: divorce is a stressful and emotional time and with that comes the fear of the unknown.  For most of the people who contact us, this is the first time they are getting a divorce and searching for a mediation service so their understanding about divorce mediation is rather limited which is completely understandable.  That’s where Equitable Mediation Services comes in.  As the title of this post suggests, part of a mediator’s role is to keep a watchful eye on each participant and look for differences in subject knowledge.  Remember: I represent neither of you but advocate for both of you and your children when applicable so it’s not my job to “stick up for one of you” but rather level the playing field so that you can both play fairly and come to a mutually agreeable settlement.

A common example we see is when one spouse was responsible for the household finances while the other went happily along without any or limited knowledge.  When we come to the part where we discuss equitable distribution, we see one speaking expertly on the subject and one unable to answer some of the most basic questions such as “how many bank accounts to you have” or “do you know the approximate balance in your checking account?”  This is where divorce mediation comes in.  As a NJ divorce mediator, I view it as part of my role to educate / alert each of the parties in areas I feel they are lacking knowledge.  And if it’s something that is beyond the scope of mediation and simple education, to direct them to subject matter experts that can further assist them such as accountants, real estate professionals, therapists, etc.

You’re probably asking yourself “then why don’t I just get an attorney who will be my advocate and let them fight it out?”  I would answer your question this way: is your lack of subject knowledge on a particular topic a reason to start a fight or something you’d rather learn more about so you’ll be able to take care of yourself after your divorce?  After all, once the two of you are separated permanently, you will have to learn how to manage your household finances, take care of your children, etc. so now is as good a time as any in order to start the process.  I also find it can empower those who come to mediation as taking charge of something as simple as opening your own bank account, can take the mind of an individual from “I’m stuck in the middle of this divorce” to “I’m starting on the path towards my new life.”  A subtle difference, I agree, but an important one none the less.

If you have any questions about the benefits of mediation or how mediation can help you, please feel free to contact us and schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations.  We’d welcome the opportunity to learn more about your situation and explain in more detail how mediation works and how it can work for you.  Or if you’re just not ready yet, please feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, the NJ Child Support Guidelines and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you resolve your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little impact to you and your family as possible.

Often at Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey we are asked who makes good candidates for divorce mediation?  Can anyone enjoy the benefits of mediation or do couples need to fit a certain profile in order to use a mediation service?  A colleague of mine forwarded me the following news brief regarding a bill that is currently being debated in the New Jersey legislature that would put certain limitations on spousal support / alimony based on shall we say “unusual” personal circumstance encountered in divorce.

As stated in the new brief:

Legislation that would deny alimony to those who kill or plot to kill their spouses and eliminate the right of abusive and neglectful parents to inherit from their children is moving toward passage. The measure, approved by the judiciary committees in the Senate (S-1645/S-1640) and Assembly (A-2681), would bar an equitable distribution award in a divorce case or in a civil union dissolution matter to a party convicted of killing or conspiring to kill their spouse. It explicitly prohibits judges from having the intended victim pay the guilty party’s legal fees for the divorce or dissolution. In addition, anyone convicted of murder, manslaughter, criminal homicide or aggravated assault that killed or seriously injured a family member would not be allowed to receive alimony. The bill defines a family member broadly to encompass not just the immediate family but also cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, including those related by marriage or adoption.

And while I am no legal eagle or legislative expert, I can tell you these types of individuals would not be good candidates for divorce mediation!  In order to mediate, you have to want to work through the tenants of your divorce efficiently and relatively peacefully and something tells me trying to kill your spouse is not a good way to do that.

Now I’m not saying that during divorce mediation sessions, we don’t have the occasional outburst of anger or emotion.  Divorce is a painful and confusing time and we are all human and subject to such displays of human emotion.  That’s why I feel mediation is the preferred alternative to litigating your divorce: it adds an element of humanity to proceedings but on the other hand, divorcing couples need to understand that there are certain boundaries that we all must live within and killing your spouse is not an acceptable alternative to paying spousal support or alimony!

But if you find yourself contemplating divorce or in need of NJ divorce mediation services and feel you can work through your differences in a relatively cooperative fashion, please feel free to contact us and we’ll gladly set you up for a free, no-obligation consultation. We have six central NJ office locations to meet you and will be more than willing to learn a little bit more about your particular situation to determine if you are good candidates for mediation as well as share additional information about divorce mediation and how divorce mediation can benefit you.