Government Involvement or Divorce Mediation? You Decide.

It’s the day after the presidential inauguration here in the United States and one thing is for certain: a change has come to Washington.  Now don’t be confused: you are reading the Equitable Mediation Services‘ NJ divorce mediation blog but are probably wondering: what do yesterday’s events have to do with divorce and mediation?  I’m glad you asked.

The message we seem to be getting from Washington is that government can be a part of the solution, not the problem and the folks in Canada seem to agree with that assessment when it comes to divorce, child support and parenting plans.  It turns out, the Ministry of Justice is requiring divorcing couples to take a six-hour course entitled “Parenting After Separation and Divorce” which hopes to instruct them how to assist their children through and after the divorce process.  The logic being that if these individuals wish to use the justice system to pursue their divorce, then the justice system should have a say in how things are handled.  And while I’m not sure I agree with that philosophy, it does bring one very important point to light.

Divorce may end a marriage, but it does not end a family.  You still have your responsibility as parents long after your marriage has ended and unfortunately, may people forget that. It’s sad to me that the government would have to step in and remind people of this but I can take from it one positive point: children do not come with instruction manuals and neither does divorce.  By taking a course such as this, perhaps parents will learn a thing or two on how to be better parents and that in turn winds up benefiting the children.  But how does this relate to mediation you ask?

During divorce mediation sessions, we not only work on resolving the four major areas of divorce but we also work on communication skills that will hopefully benefit both of you and your children in the long run.  So while the USA does not yet have such a program, this type of encouragement and assistance is available to you every time you engage in divorce mediation.  By removing your divorce from the adversarial legal process filled with lawyers, judges and courtrooms and moving it into a more collaborate divorce process such as mediation, you can realize the benefits of mediation as well as improved communication which will benefit both of you and your children for years to come.

So think about it: engage in divorce mediation and work through your differences and behave like adults for the benefits of your children or be required by the Federal Government to take a course to teach you how to do that.  Seems like an easy choice to me.

If you would like more information on divorce mediation and how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us and schedule a free no-obligation consultation in either the privacy of the martial home or one of our six Central NJ locations.  We know once you learn more about divorce mediation, you’ll agree that is truly is the smarter way to divorce.

Divorce Mediation Can Bring You Peace Of Mind

One thing we often hear these days at Equitable Mediation Services is that couples are in more debt than ever before and they can’t afford to get divorced.  And while yes, debt is the name of the game these days, I often wonder if couples realize the emotional toll that postponing divorce will take on both them and their children.  Getting attorneys and going through the traditional pathway to divorce is expensive: on average $78,000 according to the Wall Street Journal and Forbes Magazine.  And while significant cost savings is one of the many obvious benefits of mediation (the average mediated divorce costs about $5,000) this month’s theme has been of the less obvious benefits of mediation and today’s is: peace of mind.

If you’re like me, you need to feel like you’re making progress when you have something to do.  Even if you know you’re not going to get the entire project done, it brings peace of mind to know that progress is being made towards a goal.  And while divorce is never really a goal of anyone per say, couples who enter divorce mediation are at a unique advantage.  You see with divorce mediation, you do not have to file for divorce before you start mediation and you can move at your own pace; making progress as you see fit and are comfortable with.  By following the divorce mediation process you can work out agreements on your own schedule in the four major areas of divorce:

1. Parenting Plans
2. Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities
3. Child Support
4. Spousal Support / Alimony

Sitting with your spouse and your mediator discussions will cover the terms that will define your divorce which will then be drafted into what is called a Memorandum of Understanding or “MOU.”  Once all agreements are in place and the Memorandum is finalized by the both of you, you have a choice.  You can either:

1. Prepare your court filings and proceed with your divorce; OR
2. Keep the MOU until such time when you are ready to proceed with your divorce.

There is no pressure on you to file and you can feel like you’ve taken a step (and a significant one at that) towards your divorce, bringing you peace of mind and saving you significant sums of money in the process.  It is this unique characteristic of divorce mediation is what I think makes it the smarter way to divorce for couples who have made the decision to divorce.

If you’d like to know more about divorce mediation and how divorce mediation may benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule your free, no-obligation consultation in either your marital home of one of our six central NJ locations.  Or if you’re not really sure just yet, please visit the Equitable Mediation Services website to learn more about the process and contact us when you’re ready.  Remember – we’re here to help you every step of the way so even if you have a simple question, drop us a line, we’re always glad to help.

Divorce Mediation Can Minimize the Conflict

In recent weeks, I’ve been noticing the calls we get at Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey fall into two distinct camps:

1. My spouse and I have agreed we no longer want to be together, we communicate well and we both just want out; OR
2. “That no good so-and-so thinks I’m going to…” or “I’m not paying a dollar to that…” or “What are they crazy? There’s no way I’d consider that!”

I think you get the point.

There’s an old saying that goes you can’t help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped and divorce is no exception.  If someone simply wants to call me up, gripe about their spouse and prolong the conflict then I have some bad news: divorce mediation is not for you.  But if you sound more like example #1 above, then you owe it to yourself to learn more about divorce mediation.  You’ve heard me talk about many of the benefits of mediation before and in recent posts, I’ve been focusing on the less obvious ones.  Today I’d like to talk about minimizing the conflict.

I think you’ll agree that it’s easy to hurt someone when you’re hiding behind an attorney or other such mouthpiece that’s “representing” you.  Sure, just fire off a letter with outrageous demands and prolong the conflict.  Why not!?  I’ll tell you why not:  that letter just cost you $500 and a little piece of your dignity.  To me, divorce is an end.  It represents the legal untangling of a lifetime of collective activity both financial and emotional but from the behavior of some, you’d never know they actually want it to end.

When the two of you are sitting in a room face to face, it becomes a lot more difficult to fire off those insults or offhand remarks (although some still do) and the proceedings move along faster saving you time and money as well as your dignity in the process.  Don’t think your dignity is worth anything?  Think about Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.  Talk about losing your dignity.

Oddly enough, when my spell checker flagged Kim’s last name as being misspelled, one of the suggested replacements was “embarrassing.”  How ironic.

Divorce already leaves deep enough emotional scars that will take you quite a bit of time to get over.  But throwing gasoline on an already hot fire isn’t going to help.  Trust me – I’ve seen it and I know.  With divorce mediation, you can work out your issues in real time, like the adults that are you (sad but true – you are adults and need to act like it) and move past your divorce and on to the healing that will inevitably come.  So when you’re ready to bring some peace and sanity to the process, please contact us and let us help you get on with settling your differences peacefully, efficiently and with as little impact to you and your family as possible.

Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey offers a free, no-obligation consultation in either the privacy of the marital home or one of our six central NJ office locations where we will explain in detail the benefits of mediation and how mediation can help you.  Please contact us today to learn how divorce mediation can work for you and why it truly is the smarter way to divorce.

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