What Makes a Good Divorce Mediator – Part IV

In our last post in a four part series on what makes a good New Jersey divorce mediator, we at Equitable Mediation Services will wrap up with what we think is the most important quality of all: persistence. Why is persistence the most important factor in making a good divorce mediator you ask?

There are two approaches I have heard regarding divorce mediation:

1. The Hands-Off Approach: The parties enter divorce mediation under their own free will and can start and stop the divorce mediation process any time they like, moving at their own pace until they may or may not come to an agreement with the divorce mediator simply acting as a neutral third party and not intervening in the proceedings at all; or
2. The Actively-Engaged Approach: The parties enter divorce mediation under their own free will and are guided by the NJ divorce mediator in a structured but flexible way, moving the proceedings along at a pace that is productive yet not rushed, while the mediator is actively engaged in helping the parties bring the divorce mediation proceedings to a mutually agreeable conclusion.

In the first example above, some refer to that as the “Potted Plant” syndrome whereby the mediator is about as effective as a potted plant (and probably says just about as much.)  There are some who may argue that having a neutral third-party keeps clients on their best behavior and that is the mediator’s role.  But if the mediator isn’t there to assist the parties with their divorce other than to be a babysitter, then I’m not sure what they are adding to any divorce mediation proceedings.

We at Equitable Mediation Services take the latter approach to ensure that our clients come to an agreement and we do that in four ways:

1. We remain actively engaged in your divorce mediation sessions by asking pointed questions to guide the proceedings, using our expertise to offer options and alternatives when necessary.
2. We advocate for a settlement by exploring multiple options with our clients to find one or more solutions that are mutually agreeable and explain the downstream implications for you and your family.
3. We apply pressure when necessary (not to be confused with coercion or intimidation) and do our best keep the parties moving forward to maintain the integrity of the mediation process, even if it’s what one party may perceive as slow.  Our motto is slow progress is better than no progress at all.
4. We follow up each session with e-mails and phone calls, offering drafts of the MOU in progress so the parties can see the agreements they are coming to and review and revisit any decisions made in session once they’ve had an opportunity to think about them.

We realize that going through a divorce is an emotional time and you have a lot of questions so we’re here to help.  You can find lots of great information about divorce mediation on the Equitable Mediation Services website, or please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation for you and your spouse to learn more about the benefits of mediation and how Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey can help you with your divorce mediation.