Does This Sound Like You Part II – Story of a Divorcing Couple

In Monday’s post, I told you about a couple I saw on the Today Show on NBC that was living together due to the economy, even though their intent was to get divorced as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, their story was much like many of the couples we see at Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey in that they wanted to get divorced but just couldn’t afford it.

The sad reality is, it’s more expensive to operate two households instead of one.  Two mortgages or rents, two cable TV bills, two phone bills, etc.  That is what we refer to as an “economy of scale” that comes with living together.  Think of it like going to Sam’s Club or Costco.  If you went to the supermarket and bought one roll of paper towels, it might cost $1.  But if you go to the big warehouse club and buy 12 rolls, then each roll might only cost $0.50.  Sure you paid $6 for the paper towels but you got a better unit price than if you just bought one.  Living together does the same thing.

I’ve heard it said the divorce is the second largest financial transaction a couple will even encounter second only to purchasing a house.  And while managing the emotional break-up of a marriage is part of every mediator’s job, equally, if not more important, is to manage the financial aspects of a divorce.  As your mediator, it is my job to ensure that you both get a fair and equitable distribution of your marital assets and liabilities.  What does that mean in English?  It means that you each get your fair share.  That’s one of the many benefits of mediation.

The experts on the show agreed that it was best to approach a divorce as a financial transaction to remove the emotional element and that’s one thing we try to do during mediation.  Does that mean we won’t get upset, frustrated or angry?  Of course not – we’re all human and that’s perfectly natural.  But by focusing on the financial aspect of it, it helps us keep an eye towards the future when hopefully one day things will be better and old wounds will have healed.  you may not think about it today but it will be important that you can pay your bills 10 years from now!  Even if you decide not to get divorced right away due to the economy, there are some things a mediator can help you do.

First a mediator can help you create a parenting plan for you and your children. You may not think you need one if you’re still living together but believe me, there are going to be times when both of you want to go out at the same time (and not with each other) so the question arises – who will watch the kids?  A parenting plan will help accomplish this arrangement.

Next a mediator can help both of you come to a financial arrangement that can assist you while you’re both living in the martial home together waiting for the right time to divorce. Things such as household expenses and childcare are just two of the issues a couple needs to think about when contemplating divorce.

Last a mediator can help both of you look at what it will take to live moving forward.  if one of you decided you want to keep the house, that’s something you need to prepare for now. is it feasible?  Can I get a loan in this economy?  How does the transfer process work?  What will my taxes look like? What kind of Child Support can I expect to get?  All questions your mediator can help you answer.

If you believe the pundits that this downturn could last another one to two years then we’re in a for a bumpy ride and many couples may find themselves in this situation.  But when the time comes when you decide to go forward with your divorce, you’ll be much better prepared to know what lies ahead and how best to proceed by taking some simple steps now.  And if you can make and live by arrangements that come from mediated sessions, the transition from married couple to divorced individual will be that much easier.

if you have any questions about how we at Equitable Mediation Services of NJ can help, please feel free to contact us and we’ll be glad to answer any questions we can.  On Friday we’ll take a look at the emotional toll of waiting and discuss some things you can do in order to ease the burden on you and your children if you can’t proceed with your divorce just yet.

Does This Sound Like You Part I – Story of a Divorcing Couple

This morning on the Today show on NBC, there was a story of a couple going through the pains of not being able to afford to get divorced and I wondered if they knew about divorce mediation. Sadly, their story was typical of many couples who call Equitable Mediation Services these days and probably no different from you.  The couple had what was described as a “whirlwind romance,” been married seven years and had two beautiful children but things went south and so they made the decision to divorce but could not afford to due to the slumping economy.

Sound familiar?

The story went on to say that recent estimates of legal professionals stated that a couple with children can expect to spend on average $180,000 on their divorce if they choose to litigate their divorce. Are they kidding?  Who has that kind of money to spend on a divorce?  I know the Today Show isn’t the hardest hitting news organization out there but I would consider it a very trustworthy source so I do believe the number they quote.  And as many of you who heard me talk about the many benefits of mediation know that a mediated divorce costs around $7,000.

Which would you rather spend – $180,000 or $7,000?

This couple had made arrangements to sleep in two separate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house and made every effort to maintain separate lives.  They said they were waiting for the economy to bounce back and for their house to go back up in value in order to finalize their divorce but as many experts predict, this could be at least a year or two before this happens.  Their house had been valued at somewhere near $1 million but was off by about $350,000 and they both felt that taking such a loss would be too big a hit to take on top of their divorce.

So how did they get to this place?

The husband had been making a six-figure salary in construction but as we all know, that market has dried up substantially so he isn’t in any position to live on his own and his income in negligible.  The wife is doing quite well in sales and so she has taken on the burden of carrying the household expenses which she estimates to be in the $4,000 to $5,000 per month range and common sense will tell you that if she is paying that much to live in their current home, then her soon to be ex-husband will have to do the same when he moves out on his own and he doesn’t have that kind of money.

So together they live.  But not happily ever after.

While I was watching this, I was wondering how they handle things like kitchen usage, laundry, maintenance of the house, etc.  Neither of them wants to be there but they both have to survive.  How do they do it?  The husband stated that he felt “handcuffed by the economy” and was “angry” that he was forced to be in this position.  The wife felt no different and “couldn’t wait for him to get out” and said the “emotional toll was tremendous.”

Again, does this sound familiar?  What can you do?

This coming Wednesday, we’ll discuss some of the issues this couple faces in part II of this article and how the experts stated they should handle it.   But in the meantime, should you have questions about how divorce mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us at Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a free, no obligation consultation to learn how divorce mediation can help you.

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