Does This Sound Like You Part III – Story of a Divorcing Couple

In Monday’s post, I told you about a couple I saw on the Today Show on NBC that was living together due to the economy, even though their intent was to get divorced as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, their story was much like many of the couples we see at Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey in that they wanted to get divorced but just couldn’t afford it.  In today’s final installment of this three-part series, we’re going to offer you some tips on how to stay together if you think the time just isn’t right to get a divorce.

First you both need to be clear about how the finances of your relationship are going to work.  You probably have joint back accounts, credit cards, etc. and have a home that’s in both of your names.  How are you going to handle the finances in the short-term while you are still both together?  This may be a good time to talk to a mediator who can work out a plan for both of you to make sure things are going smoothly.  it can also be a good opportunity to try a financial arrangement on for size to see if it’s manageable once you do both go your separate ways.

Next you should really have a plan for how you want to proceed with your divorce.  Set a timetable, select a mediator and try to begin thinking about a parenting plan that can work for you once you do go your separate ways.  The more work you do while you’re still together, the easier it will be for you to go your separate ways with as little disturbance to you and your children as possible.  I know things are tough but staying together shouldn’t be an open-ended proposition.

Next take a look at your house.  if one of you wants to live there after the divorce, take small steps now to see if it’s possible.  Talk to a mortgage lender, get your credit report and make a budget for yourself.   No one wants to leave the home they built a life in but the sad reality is it’s more expensive to live in a house alone than when you’re married with two incomes.  See if it’s reasonable financially because additional stress is not something you will need while healing from your divorce.

And speaking of your house, if you do think you may be together for the long term (based on your plan above) then carve out separate spaces for yourselves in the marital home.  Sleeping on a couch is going to get old after a few weeks so make sure you set up as normal a routine as possible including having your own bedroom, bathroom and living / TV area.  I don’t know many houses with 2 kitchens so you’ll have to work on who gets to use the kitchen when.

Lastly your children may be confused and ask questions and that’s perfectly normal.  Putting a structure in place of who spends time with them when and what rooms mommy and daddy live in will help them manage a little better once you do part.  Kids like routine and stability so providing such a structure will also help them cope.

Remember this – I know times are tough and I know trying to stay together because you think you can’t afford to get divorced may be your only option. But you have to ask yourself this:  what is the emotional toll on me and my children of staying together?  You can’t put a price tag on that.  When you’re ready and looking for a divorce mediation in NJ, feel free to contact us at Equitable Mediation Services to see how we can help.  We do offer a free, no obligation consultation so feel free to drop us a line or give us a call.