Does This Sound Like You Part II – Story of a Divorcing Couple

In Monday’s post, I told you about a couple I saw on the Today Show on NBC that was living together due to the economy, even though their intent was to get divorced as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, their story was much like many of the couples we see at Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey in that they wanted to get divorced but just couldn’t afford it.

The sad reality is, it’s more expensive to operate two households instead of one.  Two mortgages or rents, two cable TV bills, two phone bills, etc.  That is what we refer to as an “economy of scale” that comes with living together.  Think of it like going to Sam’s Club or Costco.  If you went to the supermarket and bought one roll of paper towels, it might cost $1.  But if you go to the big warehouse club and buy 12 rolls, then each roll might only cost $0.50.  Sure you paid $6 for the paper towels but you got a better unit price than if you just bought one.  Living together does the same thing.

I’ve heard it said the divorce is the second largest financial transaction a couple will even encounter second only to purchasing a house.  And while managing the emotional break-up of a marriage is part of every mediator’s job, equally, if not more important, is to manage the financial aspects of a divorce.  As your mediator, it is my job to ensure that you both get a fair and equitable distribution of your marital assets and liabilities.  What does that mean in English?  It means that you each get your fair share.  That’s one of the many benefits of mediation.

The experts on the show agreed that it was best to approach a divorce as a financial transaction to remove the emotional element and that’s one thing we try to do during mediation.  Does that mean we won’t get upset, frustrated or angry?  Of course not – we’re all human and that’s perfectly natural.  But by focusing on the financial aspect of it, it helps us keep an eye towards the future when hopefully one day things will be better and old wounds will have healed.  you may not think about it today but it will be important that you can pay your bills 10 years from now!  Even if you decide not to get divorced right away due to the economy, there are some things a mediator can help you do.

First a mediator can help you create a parenting plan for you and your children. You may not think you need one if you’re still living together but believe me, there are going to be times when both of you want to go out at the same time (and not with each other) so the question arises – who will watch the kids?  A parenting plan will help accomplish this arrangement.

Next a mediator can help both of you come to a financial arrangement that can assist you while you’re both living in the martial home together waiting for the right time to divorce. Things such as household expenses and childcare are just two of the issues a couple needs to think about when contemplating divorce.

Last a mediator can help both of you look at what it will take to live moving forward.  if one of you decided you want to keep the house, that’s something you need to prepare for now. is it feasible?  Can I get a loan in this economy?  How does the transfer process work?  What will my taxes look like? What kind of Child Support can I expect to get?  All questions your mediator can help you answer.

If you believe the pundits that this downturn could last another one to two years then we’re in a for a bumpy ride and many couples may find themselves in this situation.  But when the time comes when you decide to go forward with your divorce, you’ll be much better prepared to know what lies ahead and how best to proceed by taking some simple steps now.  And if you can make and live by arrangements that come from mediated sessions, the transition from married couple to divorced individual will be that much easier.

if you have any questions about how we at Equitable Mediation Services of NJ can help, please feel free to contact us and we’ll be glad to answer any questions we can.  On Friday we’ll take a look at the emotional toll of waiting and discuss some things you can do in order to ease the burden on you and your children if you can’t proceed with your divorce just yet.