Devising a Parenting Plan in Divorce Mediation that Works

As the holidays approach, a common challenge facing divorced couples is how to handle the children for the holidays.  With Thanksgiving having just passed and Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year’s and many others approaching, divorced parents need to make sure that the parenting plan they work out in divorce mediation can be applied in the real world.  Not sure what I mean?  Or does this story sound all too familiar…

The Story of “Jane” – a 5-year old girl of divorced parents

It’s Christmas Eve and Jane is excited because tonight is the night Santa comes to her house.  Despite her parent’s divorce (she blames herself for the divorce – she must have done something bad) Jane closes her eyes and goes to sleep at her dad’s house because Santa knows when you are sleeping and he knows when you’re awake and she’s hoping this is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Jane can’t wait to get up!  The sun peeks in the window and she knows it’s morning.  Down the stairs she goes and to her surprise and delight there is the greatest gift under the tree – one she has been waiting for forever and ever – a pony!  Thing is, Jane has to go to her mom’s to celebrate Christmas morning (in the settlement dad only got her Christmas eve and has to bring her to mom’s by 8am) so Jane can only pet her pony once or twice before she has to go upstairs, get dressed, eat breakfast and get in the car to enjoy the 40 minute trip to mom’s house. Dad doesn’t want to get yelled at by mom for being late so he hurries both of them through the getting ready process and he shaves in the car along the way.

So much for the pony…

Jane is now crying as she arrives to mom’s as she is tired, confused and misses her new four-legged friend already.  She hardly got to know him!  Mom starts yelling at dad asking him “what did you do to make her cry like that?!” Mom and dad continue to fight but meanwhile nobody noticed Jane who as most 5-year olds (and quite frankly most of us) aren’t really awake and focused at 8 in the morning – especially on a holiday!  She is sad, confused and just wants it to stop.

If this sounds familiar, then it sounds like you have some work to do on your parenting plan.

The point is, parenting plans are for the benefit of the children, not for the parents and should be designed to ensure that the child gets to spend quality time with each parent.  All to often, parents feel like they don’t want to get cheated out of time with their child and so they devise these unmanageable schemes to make sure the holidays are split evenly, even if it means at the expense of the child and they never work.

When devising your parenting plan, remember you are the adults and sometimes being an adult means not getting what you want and doing what’s in the best interest of your child.  When your parenting plan is done, have a look at it and see if there is any unnecessary jostling of the child or shuttling from house to house mid-day.  No one (including you) is going to enjoy themselves if they have to worry about a mid-day exchange and your son or daughter is not going to look back fondly of the time they spent in the car, being exchanged in the parking lot of a McDonald’s and not getting to pet their new pony.  Try for even day breaks or exchanges late in the day to ensure the child is getting the full experience and attention of time well spent.

If you have any questions about parenting plans or any other questions about divorce mediation, please feel free to contact us here at Equitable Mediation Services and we’ll do our best to help you devise a parenting plan that will be fair, equitable and good for all of you – especially your child.