This past Saturday some of us from Equitable Mediation Services had the pleasure of attending the annual New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators conference in Somerset, NJ.  And while as a divorce mediator, this wasn’t the first conference I have attended and it certainly won’t be the last, this one was different than many of the conferences on mediation I have attended in the past.

As many of you who have attended conferences before, you understand about the “breakout” sessions.  These are small, sub groups that choose to focus on a particular topic pertinent to the conferences theme, in this case mediation.  The breakout I chose to attend had to do with a mediation that involved more than two parties.  In this particular session, there were seven individuals, each with their own agenda and in some cases, their own mental illness and the case did not involve divorce mediation but rather a family dispute involving a family elder. The task of the participants was to manage the conflict while determining what illness each member of the mediator possessed.

As I was participating in the proceedings, I thought to myself, “even though as a New Jersey divorce mediator, I traditionally sit across from two individuals, I wonder how many individuals there really are in my sessions and what other personality traits lie underneath their exteriors?”  This may seem like an odd question at first, but the more you think about it, it’s like that old Billy Joel song “The Stranger” in which he sings about us having many faces that some we use everyday and some we only take out when everyone is gone.

When presented with conflict, is there another face you take out and put on?  It’s only natural that when going through a painful and emotional time such as a divorce, you do whatever it takes to protect yourself and that “other face” may be just the thing.  As a divorce mediator, I try to create an environment that is comfortable for all parties involved so that we can take off the masks and get down the heart of the matters that we are faced with.  Being able to do that is just one of the many benefits of mediation and something I strongly feel you don’t find in other more adversarial processes such as hiring an attorney to litigate your divorce.  Because the bottom line is you need to be your true self in order to be true to yourself and divorce mediation can help you do that.

As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to contact us to set up a free consultation to learn more about how Equitable Mediation Services can help you.  We’re always glad to help in any way we can.

As a mediator, I do my best to keep up on the resources available to individuals in need.  From credit counseling to parent coordination, there are lots of groups out there for those in need of guidance and support after their divorce.  But what about for those contemplating divorce; the people who haven’t made the jump yet?  There doesn’t seem to be many resources for people who just aren’t sure if they should make the decision to move forward and get a divorce or if they have made that decision, how they should go about doing it (even though as you know I believe divorce mediation to be the best option).

With that in mind, I have formed a meet-up group entitled “Contemplating Divorce.”  The group is free for anyone to join who wants to meet others at the crossroad of divorce and discuss the issues and challenges they face in making the decision to move forward.  You can visit the site above to join the group, sign up for our first meeting to be held in December or simply post messages on the group’s message board.  I’ll be checking in from time to time in order to lend my guidance and support and we plan to have guest speakers from all areas of support who come in with their own unique perspective on the issues facing people contemplating divorce.

From parenting plans, equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities, child support or spousal support / alimony, all topics will be up for discussion and the group will guide the agenda.  Meetings will rotate around various locations in the central New Jersey area including the towns of Bernards, Bridgewater, East Brunswick, Lawrenceville, Piscataway and Princeton and be hosted by Joseph F Dillon of Equitable Mediation Services (that’s me).

Part of my role as a mediator is to educate and I take that very seriously.  This group is another way to help those contemplating divorce understand they are not alone and give them a forum to ask questions, educate themselves of the issues facing them and decide the best direction to take forward.  And if in the meantime, you have any questions, please feel free to contact us and we’ll do our best to help.

Hope to see you at our first meet-up.

“Knowledge is Power” the old saying goes and some might say the same is true with divorce mediation. I always encourage my clients to learn more about divorce mediation and bring with them any questions they might have about the process as it relates to their particular situation.  But is there such a thing as knowing too much?  As a professional mediator, I do everything I can to stay on top of the ever changing law, tax implications, latest mediating techniques etc, but is that really something a client should be doing?

I ask this because sometimes in my sessions, I’ll encourage my clients to read some of the very same books that I have read as either a part of my training or continuing education but when instead of using them for reference, the client tries to use that as part of their mediation, I get concerned.  There is a reason we all hire professionals of any kind and one of those reasons in my opinion is to distance ourselves from a particular situation and gain perspective in addition to professional advice.  The example I always use is that of a Real Estate agent.  Could you go up to someones home, knock on the door, say hello and offer them a sum of money for the house?  Sure, I guess you could.  Really though, wouldn’t you want someone with the expertise of the local real estate market to help you so that you don’t make a mistake or to bounce questions and concerns off of?  I know I would.

To anyone going through a divorce, I know, it’s a tough time.  You have a lot of questions and concerns about your future just like everyone else in your situation.  That is why we at Equitable Mediation Services put together our website to provide you with the critical information and resources you’ll need to know when contemplating or going through divorce mediation.  Our helpful resources section has links to everything you might need to know now and after your divorce and our “about divorce mediation” overview can give you a great, four part introduction to the steps we’ll be taking during the mediation process.  Of course the best resource of all can be found simply by contacting us to set up a free, no obligation consultation where we will meet in person and discuss how divorce mediation can benefit you.

We know there are a lot of moving parts to a divorce and we’re here to help you every step of the way.  And while I know this is difficult and you’ll be tempted to learn all you can about your situation, don’t forget there are caring professionals here to help with the knowledge and expertise to get you through your divorce peacefully and with as little impact to you and your family as possible.