It’s hard not to hear some story about the economic turmoil that’s hit all of us very hard this year.  Housing prices plummeting and consumers up to their eyes in debt, it’s quite a bit to take.  Then to divorce on top of it all and incur $27,000 to $78,000 of additional debt can be too much.  Sad but true, that is what the average attorney-driven divorce costs these days.  Have a look at our Recent Articles section of the Equitable Mediation Services of New Jersey website where you will find a number of pieces discussing this very topic.

You and your spouse could try and wait it out, sleep in separate rooms and see if the economy turns around but the pundits predict that won’t be until at least the end of 2009.  Can you really afford to wait that long emotionally?  Another year of living like this is not going to do anyone any good: you, your spouse and your children.  There is a better way and it’s called divorce mediation.

We have discussed the various benefits of mediation on a number of occasions and saving a substantial amount of money is one of them.  The average mediated divorce costs about $7,000, a full $20,000 to $71,000 less than one involving attorneys. And while yes, you will be spending money that may be hard to come by these days, it will be substantially less than if you chose to contact attorneys and have them handle your divorce for each of you.  But this is not the only benefit for couples in debt.

During mediation, you can outline in your agreements how you want to handle items such as debt, mortgages, etc. to make sure you get an agreement that works for both of you.  There are many creative ways we can work these things through and given the current housing crisis, the need for such creative solutions is substantial.  You are not alone – more often than not, a couple’s house is worth less than what they paid for it and in many cases, worth less than what they owe on it.  We call this “being underwater” and it’s all too common these days.

Now call me the eternal optimist but I do believe housing prices are going to turn around.  Even if you’re getting a divorce, why sell your house now and lose money on the sale?  Your mediator can draft a clause in your Memorandum of Understanding that outlines the special conditions surrounding the sale of your house or any other assets to maximize your collective gain from them.  If you’re in debt, you will need all the gain you can get.

So before you go another year wondering if this will be the year you get out of debt or a marriage that just isn’t working anymore, consider divorce mediation.  And if we can be of any help, please feel free to contact us and set up a free, no obligation consultation at one of our six office locations in NJ where we will help you understand why divorce mediation is the smarter way to divorce.

We at Equitable Mediation Services are often asked by clients “how long will this take?” to which we reply – “it’s entirely up to you.”  I have seen couples who can work out many of their issues in a matter of weeks and others who may take months and even up to a year to complete their divorce mediation.  One of the benefits of mediation is that it is self-paced and couples can choose how quickly or slowly they wish to proceed.   This is not without its difficulties however as delays during divorce mediation are not uncommon.

There are times when one of the parties (especially if it is the individual who does not wish the divorce to happen) attempts to delay the proceedings by simply not responding to inquires by the mediator or their spouse.  And while this tactic may work in the short run, what the delaying party does not realize is that other legal remedies are still available to their spouse.

Couples who use divorce mediation are often under the impression that once they are engaged in the process, this is the only route they can take to their divorce.  That is simply untrue. There is much to know about divorce mediation and that is why the use of an experienced divorce mediator is critical.  While we like to see couples work through their issues by using divorce mediation in New Jersey, neither of the parties relinquishes their right to litigate should divorce mediation not work out.

Usually cooler heads prevail and divorce mediation is successful.  I have yet to have a client begin mediation and then proceed to litigation because divorce mediation did not work out so that’s promising.  However, along they way, often times parties will simply stop responding to requests or come to a part in the proceeding where we are getting close to finishing the Memorandum of Understanding and they freeze.  At this point we have three options:

1. Wait it out and let the one party come to the conclusion that the divorce will move forward with or without them; or
2. Try and understand why they are reluctant to move forward and work with them to address their concerns; or
3. Move forward with an alternative course of action such as litigation.

While option #3 is my “option of last resort,” because the parties do not relinquish any of their legal rights and remedies available to them during divorce mediation in NJ, one party can choose to contact an attorney and begin the process of litigation.  Sadly, the delaying party will have no choice but to respond to the lawsuit and the entire process will become vastly more complicated and adversarial.  If the delaying party is aware of this, it is our hope they will continue down the path of divorce mediation and complete the process in a more peaceful and efficient manner because quite frankly the alternative is not an attractive option.

If you are using divorce mediation and find yourself at an impasse, ask your spouse what alternatives they think exist and see what they say.  If they respond that they do not want to get a divorce and they think they can work things out, explain to them that in New Jersey, it only takes one person to get a divorce.  That is:  if one party wants a divorce then both parties are getting a divorce and at that point, it is up to both of you to choose the path you will take to get there.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or are interested in learning more, we at Equitable Mediation Services offer a free, no obligation consultation in either the martial home or one of our six New jersey office locations so please feel free to contact us as we’d be happy to assist you in any way we can.

In Monday’s post, we at Equitable Mediation Services talked about how during divorce mediation we try to get to the true self and strip away much of the anger that surrounds divorce to reach a more fair and equitable settlement.  As a mediator, it’s my job to watch for signs that one party may be either taking advantage of the situation or be at a disadvantage and if appropriate, recommend the help of a third party.  Sometimes that’s the help of a financial professional to sort through complex tax returns or business valuations and sometimes it’s the help of a mental health professional who can guide them through these troubled times.

One such resource I believe to be of tremendous value is that of the New Jersey Mental Health Cares website which can be found in our helpful links section.  The website is supported and maintained by the NJ Department of Human Services and is a comprehensive resource and help center for those experiencing a mental crisis or for those who just don’t know where to turn.

During times of severe mental duress (and don’t fool yourself – divorce is certainly one of them) we may need someone to talk to who can help us manage the intense emotions we are experiencing and help us get through these troubled times.  And while divorce mediation tries to be a peaceful process and help couples get through their divorce as painlessly as possible, it doesn’t mean there is no pain.  Dealing with the four main areas of divorce mediation is only part of the process.  Dealing with the emotional toll divorce takes is another and these people are here to help you.

So take some time to look around the site, and as always if you have any questions about how divorce mediation can help you keep the peace during this difficult time, please do not hesitate to contact us and we’ll be glad to help you in any way we can.