For regular readers of this NJ divorce mediation blog or for those who have visited the Equitable Mediation Services website, as a NJ divorce mediator no doubt seen me espouse the benefits of divorce mediation in New Jersey, especially the issue of cost.  To quickly review the average costs:

• A litigated divorce that involves children is $180,000
• An average divorce that doesn’t go to trial is $78,000
• An average “friendly” divorce (what is commonly referred to as collaborative divorce) is $32,000
• The average costs for a couple who uses divorce mediation in NJ is $6,000.

Based on these numbers, you can quickly see that divorce mediation is the preferred method for couples seeking a divorce in New Jersey who don’t want to go broke in the process.  These figures come from both Forbes Magazine and The Wall Street Journal which I think most people would consider to be very reputable sources so it’s not like this New Jersey divorce mediator is making them up!  So I’m sure by now you get the fact that you can save as much $174,000 by using divorce mediation in NJ but so far, all we’ve spoken about is the financial cost.  Yes, in these tough economic times (and in all times for that matter) cost is always an issue and it’s always better to fund your child’s college fund rather than your attorney’s, but saving money is not the only issue at stake here as there’s also the issue of the emotional cost a divorce can take on both the parties and their children, friends and family.

You see, getting a divorce is not so much about how much money you spend or save (important yes, but not the main focus at the end of the day in most cases) it’s about the emotional cost that going through such a major life-changing event takes on each of you and your children.  What most couples don’t realize is that a divorce is time of great upheaval as well as transition and staying focused and strong through the process is paramount to your future success as both an adult and a parent.  So I ask you this:  would you rather your divorce take 3 months or 2 years because that is the difference between using divorce mediation in NJ to handle your divorce versus going to court and fighting it out by using lawyers and getting into the whole ugly scene.  Sure there is a tremendous financial cost differential in the two processes but there is also a hidden cost in the emotional cost that will be extracted from each of you and your children should you decided to prolong the fight, involve attorneys and drag it out.  Saving money is only a small part of it – the real cost comes from the “pound of flesh” that each of you will undoubtedly give during the contentious process of litigating your divorce or engaging in a “collaborative divorce” process.  So next time you’re thinking about the real cost of your divorce ask yourself this question:  what’s it worth to you to have this be done and over with and allow you to move on with rebuilding your life and moving through this major life transition to the next phase of your life?  I know for certain that putting a price tag on that would be impossible as no amount of money can match the satisfaction one receives from peace of mind.

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

As the owner and lead mediator of a New Jersey divorce mediation practice I can tell you based on the calls I receive that there is much confusion out there as to the best way to proceed with your divorce.   For some New Jersey couples who call us at Equitable Mediation Services aren’t even sure what we do or that divorce mediation is the best way to get a divorce in NJ.  Then there are those who call and are aware that divorce mediation is an option but think that a NJ divorce mediator (like an attorney) can be an advocate for one party or that party can come speak with me individually so I can learn more about their case (untrue).  Last we have those who have educated themselves about the divorce mediation process and understand that divorce mediation is a true collaborative divorce process in which both parties work together to come to an agreement that works for each of them and their children, when applicable.  But no matter where you stand on the education spectrum, the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you may be an excellent candidate for divorce mediation.   You see, the one thing that each of the clients of Equitable Mediation Services has in common is a willingness to bypass the adversarial legal system and use a NJ divorce mediator like myself to help them peacefully and amicably work through the four major tenants of their divorce: (1) parenting plans (2) equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities (3) child support and (4) spousal support formerly known as alimony.

Now does that mean mediation is the path forward for all couples on how to get a divorce in NJ?  Sadly, no.  There will always be that one or two percent of the people who no matter how much you explain to them that their result in mediation is going to be superior to that of a result dragged through the adversarial legal system and watered down by warring lawyers taking sides and entrenching in their positions, will want to take their chances and go to court.  I guess it must be nice to have such a life that allows them to spend unlimited amounts of money and time to get a result that is less superior than to one that was mediated but alas, that is not my decision to make for them.  But if you’re like most couples seeking a divorce in NJ and want a say in determining your future, the please feel free to contact me and I will do my best to help you and your spouse come to agreements on each of the four main areas of divorce listed above and draft a Memorandum of Understanding that represents your goals and wishes for your future.  Not those of your attorneys, not those of a judge and not those of the courts. After all, it is your divorce, isn’t it?

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

You would think by now that people would know NJ divorce mediation is the only way that one should even consider getting a divorce but alas, only a small percentage of couples are smart enough to use a mediation service as a means to peacefully and efficiently resolve their differences and come to a fair and equitable distribution of their marital assets and liabilities.  If you’re like most New Jersey couples contemplating a divorce, you’ve probably spoken to your friends and family but what about a family court judge?  Well this NJ divorce mediator had just that opportunity and the results may surprise you.

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve seen me write about the benefits of divorce mediation in NJ and how couples who use it get much better outcomes in much less time and for a fraction of what a typical divorce would cost if you were to involve attorneys.   Much to my surprise, the same sentiments were repeated in a seminar given by this family court judge as she espoused as follows:

• On equitable distribution – “couples are encouraged to try to work together before coming to court to determine the value of their assets and liabilities and outline what each party will get as a result of the divorce.” Through an extensive discovery, analysis and review process, this is exactly what we do during the NJ divorce mediation process, producing a fair and equitable result that both parties can agree to.
• On going to court – “people are encouraged to mediate before coming to court because if they get in front of a judge, both parties are likely to not be happy with the result.  You are going to have your settlement determined by someone who is a complete stranger to you and doesn’t know what each of you wants or need as individuals and is only going to be able to make a ruling based on the limited information presented to them in a very short period of time.” As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I know I sound like a broken record when I say mediation allows you to control your future by agreeing to a settlement that works for both of you.  Both sides are encouraged to work together to get what’s most important to them while compromising and offering the other party something of equal value in return.
• On the legal system and rules of court - “there are 2300 pages of rules of court and thousands of pages of laws and trying to navigate it all is challenging to even the most experienced legal professionals.” By using a NJ divorce mediation professional such as myself, I will work with each of you to educate you on the rules and laws that affect your particular case and focus in on the issues that matter most to you and your family.  You’re not like everybody else so why should you subject yourself to such a generic process as going to court?

I understand the decision to divorce is not an easy one but once it is made, the choice on how to proceed with your divorce is up to you.  Do you take the expensive and contentious road and hire attorneys to hash it out or do you sit down and with the help of a NJ divorce mediator work together to design a settlement that works for both of you and your children?  If you believe the judge, I think the choice is obvious.  Don’t you?