As money is a major concern for divorcing couples in New Jersey, many of the calls to Equitable Mediation Services concern the issues of cost and how long divorce mediation takes. As a NJ divorce mediator, this puts me in an awkward position as I’d like to accurately answer the question but the reality is, I simply don’t know.  I could give you the broad averages of $2,500 to $7,500 which is FAR less than the $32,000 to $78,000 for an attorney driven divorce but the fact is, until I know your bargaining style, I can’t say for certain if you’ll fall on the low end of the range or the high end.  Why?  Because the “arc of mediation” is pretty much the same for any couple with children so the time to completion is almost entirely dependent on one factor: your bargaining style.

There are three types of bargaining styles in divorce mediation:

1. Scorched Earth – in situations such as these, one or possibly both parties are unwilling to budge and truly attempt to mediate their divorce.  For mediation clients who employ this style it’s been my experience that it’s either (a) too early to mediate since the pain of the divorce is still too fresh in their mind and they haven’t accepted it’s really happening or (b) they don’t wish to abdicate control to the other party and “let them” have a divorce.
2. Giving Away the Farm – in situations such as these, one party is willing to give everything to the other party so there seems to be no disagreement.  But the pain of divorce may not be making one party think clearly and a few years from now when they’re feeling better they’re going to regret giving everything to their ex and will be hurting financially.  For mediation clients who employ this style it’s usually a symptom of one of two things (a) they’ve committed some indiscretion and are feeling guilty so this is their way of assuaging their guilt or (b) they are depressed and just don’t care.  In this case it’s important the party seeks the assistance of a qualified mental health professional.
3. Fair and Equitable – in situations such as these, both parties understand that to get you have to give and it is in these cases where we have the most success in terms of a fair and equitable settlement and the most cost efficient divorce mediation.  Thinking about what you’re willing to give and get before you come to divorce mediation is the real key to a successful negotiation since arguing over every item individually makes clients lose sight of how everything fits into the bigger picture and creates impasses and delays.

No matter which style you and your spouse employ, with the help of an Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator we can come to an agreement that is fair and equitable for both of you and avoid the contentious and expensive process of hiring a lawyer and going to court.  My name is Joseph Dillon and I invite you to contact me or give me a call at (908) 864-2177 to schedule a consultation today.

I was speaking with my friend Bob the other day and he was telling me about an employee he had that was going through a nasty divorce and the impact it was having on both her and her co-workers.  This employee (I’ll call her Allison) was litigating instead of using divorce mediation and things were getting heated.  Allison spent a lot of time on the phone with her attorney and since today’s office environments are more “cube farms” and not offices with doors you can close, everyone in the immediate area could hear the conversations and it was making people uncomfortable.  As a NJ Divorce Mediator I could tell you what to do, but what do you say to Allison if you’re Bob?

I told Bob that given the divorce rates these days, it may be wise for companies to begin offering free seminars on divorce mediation. Although it may be too late for Allison, the benefits of using mediation for divorce are quite substantial.  The average mediated divorce takes about two to three months while the average litigated divorce takes two to three years!  If I were Allison I wouldn’t want to go through that but if I’m Bob, I could be understanding to a point but after a year or two, I would be hard pressed what to do.  Today’s workplace is stressful enough without adding the additional pressure of a litigated divorce. I’m no Human Resources professional but this NJ Divorce Mediator can tell you that the couples I work with experience significantly lower stress using divorce mediation instead of litigating.  Much like with the death of a loved one, going through a divorce requires someone to go through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

When you litigate, you are stuck in phases two and three for a much longer period of time than if you were to use divorce mediation and therefore you are prevented from moving to the fifth stage (acceptance) for a very long time.  You are caught in the circle of stage two and three and you bargain, get angry, call your lawyer, bargain more, get even angrier, call your lawyer, etc.  With the help of a NJ Divorce Mediator you and your spouse will work through stage two while you’re working out your mediated settlement (stage three) allowing you to move on to the acceptance stage much faster than if you were to litigate.  Certainly not where you thought you would be when you first got married but definitely better than being stuck in the infinite loop of anger and bargaining, trust me.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ or how using mediation for divorce can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator Joseph Dillon when you’re ready.

As we discussed in our previous posts, there are 4 types of spousal support or alimony we discuss during divorce mediation in New Jersey:

1. Permanent
2. Limited Duration
3. Rehabilitative
4. Reimbursement

Today we’re going to cover the last type of alimony on our list: reimbursement.  The best way this NJ Divorce Mediator can think to explain what reimbursement spousal support is, is through an example.

A couple has been married for 10 years, during which time, the husband attended medical school and did his residency to become a surgeon.  The wife worked three jobs and sacrificed material gains in order to put the husband through school including driving a 1985 Honda Accord and eating Spam and Ramen noodles for dinner 6 nights a week (on the 7th night they got pizza).  Now the husband and wife are getting a divorce and the husband has his medical license and anticipates earning $300,000 a year in a private practice.  In this case, the wife may be entitled to reimbursement alimony to not only repay her for the monetary contributions she made to the husband’s education but also to recognize the loss of that earning potential and the sacrifices she made along the way (like six nights of Spam, as delicious as it may be).

As partners in a marriage, we often knowingly do things that place our needs second in order to make sacrifices for the common good.  We like to think that this is our life partner and we’ll be together forever and so what’s a little short term sacrifice for a stable long-term future?  Sadly, based on your searching for a NJ divorce mediator, that is not always the case.  In our example, the wife sacrificed her present for a chance at a great future with her husband.  With their divorce, that future has disappeared.  Reimbursement spousal support looks to compensate the wife for the money she invested in the husband’s schooling, the material comforts she sacrificed while supporting him during the 8 years of school and residency as well as compensate her to a certain extent for her husband’s future earning potential.  NJ law recognizes that each party is entitled to benefit from the increased standard of living that a degree in medicine will surely bring and through reimbursement alimony those adjustments will be made.

Much like with all other types of spousal support in New Jersey there is no formula for calculating this.  That is why I can’t emphasize enough how important it is you seek mediation services and the help of an Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator.  By working out your differences in divorce mediation instead of a courtroom, you and your soon to be ex-spouse can come to an agreement that works for both of you and not one that works for a judge or your lawyer.  My name is Joseph Dillon and I am an Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator and I invite you and your spouse to come in for a consultation to learn more about how divorce mediation can help you determine what an appropriate amount and duration of alimony or spousal support might be in your particular case.