As a NJ divorce mediator I am always surprised when I meet a couple for the first time and learn just how much they don’t know about using mediation for divorce.  I would have thought by now with the Equitable Mediation Services website, this blog and the attention divorce mediation has gotten in recent years (including being the profession of choice for the gentlemen in the movie “The Wedding Crashers” although given that I am an Accredited Professional Mediator I am in no way the charlatans Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were in the movie!) more people would be familiar with the concept of using mediation for divorce in New Jersey.  Sadly that is still not the case.  With that in mind, I’m taking the next few posts to outline some of the real questions I’ve been asked by couples just like you when they come to see me for their free consultation.  Today’s question has to do with calculating alimony in NJ and how that’s handled in mediation.  The quick answer?  The same way it would be handled were you to hire an attorney and litigate.

Many couples are surprised that we even discuss alimony in mediation as for some reason they think they have to go to an attorney which is simply untrue.  Alimony is discussed along with the other three main areas of divorce including the parenting plan, equitable distribution and NJ child support and all agreements are then drafted into the Memorandum of Understanding. Given the vagueness of alimony in NJ, when you think about it, mediation is the perfect place to discuss it.  You see one of the challenges facing divorcing couples in New Jersey is that there is no set formula for alimony like there is in other states.   Alimony in NJ is based on a series of 13 statutory factors which when you really read through them provide little guidance in terms of how alimony is really calculated.  That’s why we use a budget based approach which allows us to discuss what the couples goals are post-divorce and come up with an amount that allows each party to maintain a relatively similar post-marital lifestyle vis a vis each other and to ease the transition from intact family to a separated one.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this is your divorce – not the courts, not the judge and certainly not your attorney’s so why not discuss with each other what alimony arrangement works in your particular situation instead of leaving it in the hands of complete strangers who don’t know you or your children?  Using mediation for divorce allows you to do just that.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our nine North or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

It’s true that couples who use mediation for divorce in New Jersey receive many benefits but how many out there even know mediation is an option? As a NJ divorce mediator my guess is – not nearly enough.  With this being the third year of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, by now I would have thought that divorcing couples in NJ who are coming to see me would already know all about mediation and it’s many benefits but you would be surprised at the mis-information out there.  Today’s myth I’d like to clear up is that surrounding the use of attorneys when engaging in divorce mediation.  Yes it’s true that using attorneys and going to court to litigate is a stressful and expensive process and about 2% of the population does end up in court.   Perhaps there is simply too much acrimony for them to sit in a room with each other and a NJ divorce mediator and work things out but sometimes using mediation for divorce just isn’t an option.  The good news? 98% of divorcing couples in New Jersey don’t need to go this route.

Does this mean you won’t or can’t involve an attorney in the process if you feel you need to?  No it doesn’t.  It just means that you and your spouse are choosing to drive your divorce and make decisions based on your own interests instead of having a complete stranger drive the process and make decisions for you.  For couples who come to us early in the process and use mediation for divorce they may mediate without the use of attorneys until the very end.  Then when it comes time to file the paperwork with the courts, I tell them they have a choice:

1. Go “pro se” which means represent themselves and file with the courts and completely skip the use of attorneys altogether; or
2. Hire two “review attorneys” and have each attorney simply play an extremely limited role and review what was prepared in mediation and offer limited feedback and have one of them file it with the courts; or
3. Get one review attorney and have one of you go “pro se” and file it with the courts.

Which direction you decide to go in is entirely up to you and your comfort level.  Some couples are adamant about saving money and have a very friendly divorce and so they choose to go pro se.  Some couples come to mediation and encounter a sticking point or two but still manage to work out 95% of their issues saving them lots of time and money in the process and go to an attorney to finish things off.  But in my experience about 75% of the clients we see at Equitable Mediation Services seem to be comfortable enough with what they decided in mediation to get one attorney and have one of them go pro se.  But no matter what route you take the answer is yes: you can use mediation for divorce in NJ instead of a lawyer and how you proceed once you’ve finished mediation is entirely up to you so if you’d like to use an attorney, feel free or if you feel one is not warranted, then that’s your choice as well.  Either way, you’ll be savings yourself at least $20,000 in the process and ending up with the exact same result had you gone the more adversarial route.

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice helping couples in Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties use mediation for divorce.  Our area of practice includes the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

“What if I want to mediate but my spouse does not?” is a common question we get here at Equitable Mediation Services from people just like you inquiring about divorce mediation in NJ.   For not always is it a couple seeking a NJ divorce mediator but sometimes one individual who is trying to convince their spouse of the benefits of mediation in the hopes of avoiding hiring lawyers and thus a long and ugly legal battle through the court system.  As hard as the first spouse tries, the other party is just unwilling to try mediation but guess what? Whether they know it or  not, they are going to wind up in mediation in New Jersey anyway!

Much to their surprise, both parties hire lawyers, one files with the courts and (get ready for this) they are sent to court-ordered mediation. Yes, the same mediation they could have had in the first place with a NJ divorce mediator of their choosing instead of some randomly assigned mediators (yes that’s plural for a reason and I’ll explain why in a moment).  With the courts overloaded with divorce cases, judges are automatically sending everyone (and I mean everyone) to court-ordered mediation because they know that the solution to a couples divorce lies not within the court system but with the client couple themselves.

First you will see a court-ordered mediator in NJ that will help coordinate your parenting plan instead of one of your choosing.  These people are wonderful individuals who handle a caseload that this NJ divorce mediator couldn’t even fathom so how much time they can really spending getting to know you and your children and designing a solution that works in your individual case is questionable through no fault of their own.  Then once that’s settled, off you and your lawyers go to an early settlement panel in which your attorney will present to two other attorneys who will “act” as mediators and offer you a non-binding confidential assessment of how they would think your case would settle.  If you can’t settle here guess where you’re headed?  Court-ordered economic mediation!  Yes, now that you’ve been through your court-ordered parenting mediation you’re off to court-ordered economic mediation (again you would have had a choice in NJ divorce mediators had you taken it earlier but one of you didn’t want to mediate so…) with a different set of mediators who will help you both try to resolve your equitable distribution issues.

Point is if you decide to go to court, you will most likely be seeing five different individuals who act as mediators.  Each of these individuals will only get to see a piece of your divorce instead of someone like me who as your New Jersey divorce mediator from start to finish will see the entire picture and help you put all the pieces in place in relation to the others.  What most couples don’t realize is that divorce is a complex situations with many moving parts.  All of those parts must be considered in relation to the others in order for the solution to truly work.  Going to one court-ordered mediator for parenting and two others for an early settlement panel and then two more mediators for court-ordered economic mediation is just silly.  Why involve five individuals when you can have just one NJ divorce mediator?

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.